Answer Machine Jokes

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I’ve got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don’t be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the…

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message […]

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new […]

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.