Answer Machine Jokes

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Hello, you’ve reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Chekov’s voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things… Say things we did not vant to say… But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep…

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike… (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Bad imitations:)
Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?
Worf: Scanning, Captain… Strange… No life-forms.
Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?
Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Star Trek theme in the background:)
(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

Bridge, Kirk here.

I can’t come to the phone now, so… Hey — that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time… Yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings… I might […]