Answer Machine Jokes

Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, “Who’s there?”) Isn’t that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message…

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I’ll […]

Hello, this is Marlin’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Sorry that we’re not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We’ll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

Thank you for calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we’re out.
When we get home,
We’ll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob’s hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won’t be in wonder… pa-a-a-a!

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love Jim Shea” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn’t work with a telephone call… (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don’t answer, because if you […]

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren’s not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North […]