Jokes

My karma ran over your dogma. I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!! A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend. I’m not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. “I is a college student.” If you can [...]

Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography [...]

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? I intend to live forever – so far, so good. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind [...]

“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” “I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.” “2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.” “I killed a 6-pack just to [...]

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!” “According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.” “Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.” “How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?” Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms” “Warning: Dates in [...]

“All generalizations are false.” “Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.” Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.” “Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other [...]

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.” “I Brake For No Apparent Reason.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the [...]

On the other hand, you have different fingers. “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Your kid may be an [...]

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder [...]

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Back Up My [...]