Jokes

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer. Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can [...]

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply I’m just driving this way to get you mad. Keep honking, I’m reloading. Hang up and [...]

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these [...]

Ambivalent? Well yes and no…. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Is it time for your medication or mine? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck How do I set the laser printer to stun? I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert…. Well, this day was a [...]

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. Editing is a rewording activity. Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen Allow me to introduce my selves Better living through denial I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up…. Chaos. Panic. [...]

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. Editing is a rewording activity. Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen Allow me to introduce my selves Better living through denial I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up…. Chaos. Panic. [...]

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be [...]

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots….I married their king. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality [...]

If you are psychic – think “HONK” If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies! You are depriving some poor village of its [...]

All generalizations are false, including this one. “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a “free” gift [...]