The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

“Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?”

“After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.”

“Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon……day”

“Does anyone know another word.”

“I do! I do!” replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

“OK Mike, what is your word.”

“Saturday.” says Mike.

“Great, that has three syllables…”

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!”

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, “O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?”

Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful.”

“No Ma’am, you’re thinking of ‘blowjob’, that’s only two syllables!”

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be an easy final”. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each

“How much does that come to?” asked Larry.

“Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents.”

“If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?” said the boy.

“Seven dollars and sixty-four cents,” stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, “I don’t want to buy the items…that’s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it.”

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Calculus is killing me

I know not of ‘dx’ or ‘dy’

And probably won’t until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I’d just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you’ve been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.

Problem:”DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution:”Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem:”Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution:”Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.”
Solution:”Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem:”IFF inoperative.”
Solution:”IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem:”Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution:”That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem:”Number three engine missing.”
Solution:”Engine found on right wing after brief search.”