A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening. The Black man said, “He called me a bastard”.

The Filipino man said “I didn’t”.

So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and he said, “Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I told him was “You one blok bast-it (You one block past it).

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. “Reli, that’s the lady I like,” Erap said. “She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance.” “Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?” Erap asked.

The lady replied, “No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don’t know how to dance.” “That’s a legitimate reason,” Erap remarked.

“Reason No. 2, you are drunk,” the lady continued. “That’s your opinion,” Erap said.

“Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin.”

9. Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box

8. Lieutenant Dan! Putang ina mo!

7. Lieutenant Dan! Gusto mo ba ang sorbetes?

6. Me and Jenny went together like champorado and isda

5. Mr. President, iihi ako. Na saan ang “comfort room?”

4. My best friend Bubba knew everything there was to know about bagoong. “There’s bagoong with rice, bagoong with lemon juice, fried bagoong, bagoong at puto, etc.”

3. Those look like comfortable shoes. Sa Payless ba?

2. He invested my money in a prrooot company

1. Tanga is as tanga does.

So the first one goes and says “Britney Spears” and when she gets out of the water she looked just like Britney Spears.

Then the second one went and she said “Alyssa Milano” and became Alyssa Milano.

Then came the third one… When she jumped into the river (being so terrified of swimming) said “AY TA-E!” (means shit)

Suddenly one of the children said, “Teacher you have to say ‘foot.’”

So the teacher said, “You ‘foot’ your right feet in, you ‘foot’ your right feet out…..”

ERAP: Sorry, I don’t accept bribes.

STANLEY HO: I’ll just sell it to you for P100.

ERAP: Okay, I’ll get two!

Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”

Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”

“Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!” exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, “Yeah yeah yeah ….Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino …you are all the same.”

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.

“What was that for?!!” shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

“Dat’s por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!” the Pinoy answered back.

“You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!” exclaimed the director.

“Yah yah yah…Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same.”

Joe says, “Me first.” (as he is accustomed to do). He puts his face in front of the horse, and starts wiggling his huge ears. The horse enjoys the breeze, but does not laugh. Joe takes out money and waives it in front of the horse while making sad, crying sounds (nang-aasar baga). The horse ignores the money, and refuses to cry.

Joe then slaps the horse’s behind, and starts shouting “Heyaah”. The horse ignores him and refuses to run. (The fact that the horse speaks English was totally lost on Joe, who is not very bright).

Lim comes up next. He looks at the horse and says, “Kapag ‘di ka tumawa, papatayin kita”(”If you don’t laugh, I’ll kill you!”). Horse didn’t laugh. He walks over to the other side and says, “Kapag ‘di ka umiyak, papa-salvage kita.”(”If you don’t cry, I’ll have you salvaged. – Locally, “salvage” is similar to “rub-out”.) Horse didn’t cry. Finally, he stands beside the horse and says, “Kung hindi ka tumakbo, pipinturahan ko yung bahay mo ng “AKO’Y PILAY”. (”If you don’t run, I paint “I’m lame’ on your house.”) Horse didn’t run.

Erap comes to the front. He whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse bucks and laughs so loudly, the Sultan thought it was going to die. Erap whispers again. The horse starts to weep copiously. Finally, Erap whispers again, and the horse takes off running like a shot.

Joe and Fred are amazed. “What did you say to the horse first?” asks Joe.

Erap: “I’m the Vice-President of the Philippines”.

Fred: “And how did you make him cry?”

Erap: “And I’m going to be the next President of the Philippines”.

“Why did he run away?” they both asked.

Erap: “I told him if he didn’t start running now, I was going to bring him back to the Philippines, and make him a registered Filipino voter”I’m the Vice-President of the Philippines”.

Fred: “And how did you make him cry?”

Erap: “And I’m going to be the next President of the Philippines”.

“Why did he run away?” they both asked.

Erap: “I told him if he didn’t start running now, I was going to bring him back to the Philippines, and make him a registered Filipino voter.

While shopping at SM Megamall, a saleslady was helping me choose an appropriate gift to buy and I happened to be looking at a nice nightdress. The saleslady said, “Fair yan.” Puzzled, I asked, “Fair?” And she replied, “Oo, they come in fairs!”

A Filipino was arrested in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was incensed. He said to the police, “Why you give me a facking ticket? I only facked here por payb minutes!”

In response to the question, “How often do you smoke?”, the Filipino answered, “Two facks a day.”

1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world’s poorer nations.

2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.

3) He died of natural causes.