Category Archive for 'Funny Guides Jokes'

Drinking fault finder

Monday, June 20th, 2005

A solution to all of your drinking troubles Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is [...]

Miscellaneous terms

Monday, June 20th, 2005

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps [...]

Miscellaneous terms

Monday, June 20th, 2005

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \e-klips’\: What an English barber does [...]

The skier’s dictionary

Monday, June 20th, 2005

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift [...]

Evaluating progress

Monday, June 20th, 2005

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. Active socially: Drinks heavily. Alert to company developments: An office gossip. Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. Average: Not too bright. Bridge builder: Likes to compromise. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the [...]

Evaluation comments

Monday, June 20th, 2005

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one [...]

Mother’s dictionary

Monday, June 20th, 2005

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing [...]

Woman’s translations

Monday, June 20th, 2005

The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need [...]

A man’s translations

Monday, June 20th, 2005

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say… “IT’S A GUY THING” Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Translated:* “Why [...]

The guide for all men

Monday, June 20th, 2005

WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I m sorry. = You ll be sorry. We need… = I want It s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = [...]