Jokes

Why is Russia a very fast country? Because the people are always Russian! How do you cure a headache? Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear! What did one virus say to another? Stay away! I think I’ve got penicillin! What happens when plumbers die? They go down the drain! [...]

A noise woke me up this morning. What was that? The crack of dawn! It’s gone forever – forever I tell you! What has? Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy [...]

I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one! Do you look in the mirror after you’ve washed your face? No, I look in a towel! Why was the Egyptian girl worried? Because her daddy was a mummy! It’s time for your violin lesson. Oh, Fiddle! How old is your granddad? I don’t know but [...]

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I’ll hang around! What did the picture say to the wall? I’ve got you covered! What is the best thing to take into the desert? A thirst aid kit! Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond! What is hairy and coughs? [...]

What stories do the ship captain’s children like to hear? Ferry tales! Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich? Because the poor have nothing worth taking! Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8! What’s an insect’s favourite sport? Cricket! What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A minnie van! Is this a [...]

Who is in cowboy films and always broke? Skint Eastwood! Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn! What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order! Why did the silly kid stand on his head? His feet were tired! What does one star say to another [...]

What do you call an American drawing? Yankee doodle! I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed” Did you have a big role? No just toast and marmalade! What key went to college? Yale! What is a volcano? A mountain with hiccups! Why was the broom late? It over slept! What runs but [...]

I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice. You don’t want justice – you want mercy! What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife? Great big ones! Who was the world’s greatest thief? Atlas, because he held up the whole world! How was the Roman Empire [...]

How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony! What is a polygon? A dead parrot! Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool. Give him a glass of water! Eat up your spinach, it’ll put color in your cheeks. But I don’t want green cheeks! “Quick, [...]

Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk! What is “out of bounds”? An exhausted kangaroo! Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes – it’s the same as an English “s”! What followed the dinosaur? It’s tail! Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his [...]