Jokes » Love and Marriage Jokes

Washing

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:45:32 +0000

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and have a shag?” the husband asked.
“Shhhh!” said the bride, “All the neighbours will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”
“No, I definitely shut it”, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No thanks” said the husband, “It was only a small load and I’ve done it by hand.”

Vengence Is Mine!

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:43:18 +0000

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Two Deaf People

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:42:50 +0000

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”

The Mailman’s Retirement

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:42:07 +0000

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Sgt. Major

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:41:44 +0000

An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, ” My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I’m here for a woman!” The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says,” My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, “Like I said, I’ve been in the Army thirty years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp.

The prostitute still can’t get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says. ‘I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can’t believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, “I’ve already told you honey, I’ve been in the Army thirty years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, “DICK, AT EASE. The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, “Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, “I’m going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks ‘”What the hell is going on?”
The Sgt. Major replies, “This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!”

Naughty Nuns

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:41:13 +0000

There are four nuns at the gates of heaven waiting to be let in by St. Peter. He goes to the first nun and says “before I let you in, I trust there’s no sexual experience, for example have you ever touched a man’s penis?” to which the nun replies that she once “sort of poked one”. “OK” says St. Peter, “I can forgive you if you go and dip that finger in the holy water, then you can go into heaven.”

The second nun comes up and St. Peter asks her “have you ever touched a man’s penis?”. The second nun replies “well, I once held one in my hand”. St. Peter shakes his head and says “that’s not good for a nun, but if you dip your whole hand into the holy water, you can go into heaven.”

At that point the fourth nun barges past the third nun and says to St. Peter “can I go next, I want to wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in it.”

French Fighter Pilot

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:40:55 +0000

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!”

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!” Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwardsand screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

Construction Site Sign Language

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:39:43 +0000

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

After the Honeymoon

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:39:13 +0000

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!”

A Dirty Fork

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:38:47 +0000

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from
there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
“Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”