Love and Marriage Jokes

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”

Recently I was so embarrassed at my wedding, at the
rehearsal, the minister told my father, ‘As you give
your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say
something nice to him.’
My father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed my hand on my new
husband’s arm and said, ‘No deposit, no return.’

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, ” I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as […]

“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.”
“Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?”
“Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. ‘What would you like to do first, Sandra?’ asked Allen.
‘I want to get weighed,’ said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the […]

A is for the automobile which he doesn’t own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn’t know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there […]

Margie meets a friend coming out of the Beauty Salon. ‘Ethel darling, what happened to your hair…it looks like a wig’
It is a wig Margie!
Oh really? You’d never know!

A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He’s got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared…”Just in case.” He looks around and doesn’t quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.
“Sure, I can help you”, says the clerk. […]

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After a while the guy abruptly stops. “You know we’ve been doing this for weeks now and I think it’s time we had intercourse,” he pleads.
“Well, maybe,” she says. “But I’m a virgin and […]