Jokes

A story I’ll tell of a burglar bold Who started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide, ‘Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, “With their money I’ll take a quiet sneak.” So under the [...]

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then [...]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, [...]

You know you’re getting older when… Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. You look forward [...]

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. “Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a [...]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!” “Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I [...]

The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…” The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?” “You have Alzheimer’s disease.” “Good heavens! What’s the good news?” “You can go home and forget about it!”

I chanced to pass a window While walking through a mall With nothing much upon my mind, Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window A cranky-faced old man, And why he looked so cranky I didn’t understand. Just why he looked at ME that way Was more than I could see Until [...]