Jokes » People Jokes

Wife

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:50:41 +0000

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

Toilet Seat

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:49:57 +0000

John decides to paint the toilet seat one morning while his wife is away. The job done, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. Mary, his wife, came home sooner than expected, and needing to visit the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, Mary shouts for John to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor’s office, John lifts his wife’s coat to show their pittiable predicament. John asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?” “Well, yes,” the doctor admitted. “But never framed.”

Three Children

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:49:22 +0000

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own…”

Season Ticket

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:48:27 +0000

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.” “Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?” “Absolutely not,” he said. “How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.” “Season’s more than half over,” he said.

Old Man

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:47:51 +0000

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, “Where are you going?” He said, “I’m going to the doctor.” And she said, “Why? Are you sick?” “No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.” So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?” She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.” He said, “Why?” She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Man, Wife & Grill

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:47:17 +0000

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, “Your rear end is as wide as the grill.” She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!”

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

Man Gets a tattoo

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:46:55 +0000

One night John comes home really really late.
When he walks in the door, his wife is waiting for him. “Where the hell have you been?”, she asks.”I was out getting a tattoo”, he replies. “What the hell did you get? and where?”, she asks. “I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”, John answers. “Why in the world would you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis???” she wondered. “Well for a few reasons”, he replied.

“One..because I like to watch my money grow, two because sometimes I like to play with my money and three because whenever you get the urge to go out and spend money on shoes, I figured you could just stay here and blow $100.”

Husband and the Genie

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:46:32 +0000

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie’s lamp.
The genie came out and said,” Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.”

The guy didn’t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

“Genie, I want a house in Hawaii.” POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn’t make him happy but, he made his second wish.

“Genie,I want 2 billion dollars.” POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn’t very happy. The genie says,”You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.” The guy says,” Yeah,yeah.I know.” So the guy thinks real hard and says ”

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!”

cobbler

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:45:59 +0000

once a wife and husband went to a cobbler, for purchase of new slippers and for getting the repairs for old ones. The couple both bargained with the cobbler for purchase of slippers. They purchased the slippers.

They gave the old pairs for repair purpose. The cobbler said, it costs around Rs.20/-. Then the husband said why it costs Rs.20/-, it is simply to remove the soll and fetch up with the solution. The cobbler replied, it has to be removed along with the nails completely and the old soll to be removed, that’s why it costs Rs.20/-. The husband then said, why need of removing the nails, it can be removed by myself, immeidately the cobbler responded ” ok, I will give you the leather, better u go and stitch of your own, no need to come to me”.

His Wife

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:45:19 +0000

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.” St. Peter looked at Dave and said, “You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.” Next St. Peter looked at John and said, “You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon.” St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, “You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.” A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. “What’s wrong, Sam?” they asked. “You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?” Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, “I just saw my wife go by on a skate board.”