Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.”

“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn’t help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

“You should do it”, George W. says to Cheny, “The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can’t expect Mama, here, to fight the bear.”

“I guess you’re right”, Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, “For the G-O-P!”, and gets killed by the bear.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

“Now it’s your time, mama”, George W. says. “Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern.”

“George!” G. W’s mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. “I guess you’re right”, she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. giggles.

But still the bear won’t stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : “You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I’ll take my gun and I’ll blow you to pieces!!”

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Listen to me. The pilot’s got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator’s head and repeated, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger’s head and demanded, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. “He’s George W Bush!” they laughed. “He doesn’t have any brains!”

“Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!”

Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:

“Your dad?”

“He left me here! Took the parachute!”

“Sir, your dad?”

“He’s the pilot! Gosh!”

“Okay, don’t worry, sir. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.”

“I’m over six feet and sitting in the front!”

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.”

“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing …”

G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.

He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I’m conducting a survey

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.

Reseacher: Political, sir?

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask —

GW Bush: What is this about?

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.

GW BUSH: I’ve never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

… BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: “How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?”

Al: “Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I’d do it all again.”

… BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- “I do solemonemoney swear…”

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- “… that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States…”

- and will to the best of my ability

- “… and will to the best of my abli-tilly …”

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- “… preservect defenestrate the United … the Constitual … the … um … of America.”

- So help me God.

- “So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?”

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the ’short list’ currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle “already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush’s own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new ‘Bush-Quayle’ posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the ’senile and confused’ at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the ’senile and confused’ vote. One strategist sighed, “They’re a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to.”

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, “Verbal Advantage.”

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell ‘opportunitee’. When one reporter asked Quayle “what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again,” the former Vice President expressed that he was “clearly delighted” about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a “W” to his name when he didn’t seem to use one before.

I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

New penal plan: I won’t use mine!

Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the ‘nice’ list, filing them under ‘naughty’ instead because “everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.”

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ‘em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she’s asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The “Million Man Mush” is scheduled to leave Friday. “We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays,” Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him.

“He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokeself. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

A weary nation can relate.