Jokes » Professional Jokes

pantyhose

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:53:41 +0000

This guy was a doctor in his 60s working in a hospital. He would go after every new nurse that came to work in the hospital. One day he found out that a new nurse had started. She was in her 30s and quite beautiful. He began courting her immediately but she would not have anything to do with him. But this doctor was persistent and after about two months was able to convince her to have sex with him.
After they were done, the doctor thought to himself, “If I had known that she was a virgin, I would have taken it easy on her.” At the same time, the nurse was thinking, “If I knew that he could stll get it up at his age, I would have at least removed my pantyhose”.

Love My Dentist

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:52:57 +0000

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, ” Marsha you’re 34 years old, you’re beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?”

“Because he is the First man that ever said to me…. SPIT, don’t SWALLOW.”

Do you know what I’m doing?

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:52:17 +0000

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.”

Bed Wetting

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:50:58 +0000

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, “I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.”

Tickle Me Elmo

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:49:39 +0000

A woman desperately looking for work goes to Mattel. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager thinks for a while and finally says he does have a low-skill Job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” line and nothing else.
The woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.

The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested she show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing and finally after five minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says:

“I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

Prostitute or Consultant

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:48:54 +0000

You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It’s difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
· People ask you what you do and you can’t explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend).

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only other professionals.

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.).

You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you’re not going to be doing this stuff for the rest of your life.

Prison Vs. Work

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:48:21 +0000

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

KISS AND SLAP

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:47:35 +0000

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The General manager is setting there thinking: “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

How to be the Boss

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:47:16 +0000

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained, “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.”

The feet suggested, “Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.”

The hands argued, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.”

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so mad that he closed up and refused to function.

After a few days, the brain grew feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and were too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes got crossed and couldn’t see, and the hands hung useless at the sides. They all conceded and made the asshole boss

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

Employee Evaluations

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:46:51 +0000

I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
Of he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.