Jokes » Sports and Hobbies Jokes

Blonde in a Swimming Race

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:29:57 +0000

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.
When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ”I don’t want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.”

Baseball Heaven?

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:29:23 +0000

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Aggie Accident

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:28:48 +0000

There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
”How did you get that?” they all asked.
”I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and ‘boom’ I shot a buck.” Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
”How did you get that?” they all asked.
”I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ‘boom’ I shot an elephant.” Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
“What happened?” they all asked.
“I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ‘boom’ I got hit by a train.”

Adam Talks All About Eve

Administrator — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:28:22 +0000

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

You really do stink

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:39:09 +0000

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?”

Who is on First?

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:38:55 +0000

(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)

LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys’ name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I’ll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like “Dizzy Dean.” Now on the St. Louis team we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third –

LOU: That’s what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I’m telling you. Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third –

LOU: You know the fellows’ names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who’s playin’ first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow’s name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin’ first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin’ me for?

BUD: I’m not asking you — I’m telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I’m asking you — who’s on first?

BUD: That’s the man’s name!

LOU: That’s who’s name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who’s playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man’s entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who’s wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I’m trying to find out is what’s the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: That’s what I’m trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don’t change the players around.

LOU: I’m not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What’s the guy’s name on first base?

BUD: What’s the guy’s name on second base.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD: He’s on third. We’re not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who’s playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what’s the guy’s name on first base?

BUD: What’s on second.

LOU: I’m not asking ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD: He’s on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can’t change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow’s name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow’s name on second base.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who’s on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder’s name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

LOU: Them tell me who’s playing left field.

BUD: Who’s playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don’t Don’t mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what’s the fellow’s name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I’m not askin’ ya who’s on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder’s name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he’s Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don’t know. Tell me the pitcher’s name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don’t want to tell me today?

BUD: I’m tell you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on –

LOU: I’LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY “WHO’S ON FIRST!”

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name.

BUD: What’s on second.

LOU: I don’t know.

BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher’s name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow’s pitching.

BUD: Now you’ve got it.

LOU: That’s all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can’t help that.

LOU: You know I’m a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I’m being a good Catcher, tomorrow’s pitching on the team, and I’m catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball — me being a good catcher — I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

LOU: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that’s all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who’s got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you’ve got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don’t you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don’t you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That’s what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I’d throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don’t. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base–

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That’s what I’m saying.

BUD: You’re not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!

BUD: Now don’t get excited.

LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base–

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That’s it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don’t know. I don’t know throws it back to tomorrow — a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to center. Why? I don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said “I don’t give a darn.”

BUD: Oh, that’s our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

Why the bad plays?

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:38:27 +0000

A true story, according to the LA Times…..

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, “Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?”

Wilkins replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

Play as James Bond

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:37:58 +0000

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

“I was the James Bond type of player,” he told his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.”

“Batted .007,” his wife added.

Play as James Bond

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:33:24 +0000

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

“I was the James Bond type of player,” he told his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.”

“Batted .007,” his wife added.

Question answer 08

Administrator — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 11:33:08 +0000

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can’t jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we’re tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they’re always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!