Mainlander: “I’m here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents.”

Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.

Newfie: “No problem, b’y. Hang’er down a few.”

Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez “There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay.” He gets in his truck and is gone.

The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he’s gone into the woods.

The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: “Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave”

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.

Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.

b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as “Newfie”, otherwise you will be considered snobbish.

c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it’s history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: “I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland” or “My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta”.

d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as “Newf-And-Land”, sort of like Understand. This won’t get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is “New-Fun-Lin”. If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is this one.

e) Don’t visit a bar on Monday evening, it will be empty as everyone will be at home watching “This Hour Has 22 Minutes”. Also look through the TV Guide to see if “Codco” is on, another good time to stay at home.

f) If you do visit a night club be sure to ask for Screech. You will insult the bartender by asking for anything else. Newfoundlanders are like the Scots when it comes to their national drink. It’s a fact the average Newfoundlander drinks Screech with every meal.

g) If you don’t get to visit Newfoundland, but meet a Newfoundlander during your visit to Toronto, remember to compliment him/her on the province. A good example would be: “Your from Newfoundland, I love the Maritimes, I visited Nova Scotia two years ago”.

h) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.

“You have three wishes, choose them wisely.” says the Genie.

The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, “I want a beer that will never run out.”

*Poof*

A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.

“Where are you going,” asks the Genie, “You still have two wishes left!”

“Well,” replies the guy, “Give me TWO more of these!”

You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.

Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call. “Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?”

You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning.

You can’t remember…is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager’s baby shower. The parents are named Judy and Amber.

You give a “thumbs up” gesture to a car with a “FREE TIBET” bumper sticker and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

A man walks on Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.

You don’t notice.

You curse those damn tourists – but always stop to help a cute person who is looking puzzled at a city map.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named “Breeze”.

You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbours go to temple, but you are still not sure if they’re Jewish or Buddhist.

You own an expensive Gore-Tex mountaineering jacket and wear it 90% of the time.

You run the risk of being trampled by all the running clubs out at 8am on Sunday morning.

Your choices for vegetarian food aren’t limited to the salad bar at Bonanza.

12:01 No one volunteers. Morale seems low. This could be a long strike.

12:02 We randomly select one union member to “volunteer.” In what is surely a meaningless coincidence, this turns out to be the smallest, stupidest and most fragile worker there.

12:03 The plan is stymied when our “volunteer” runs away with our only baseball bat. Recreational events for the weekend will have to be cancelled….

13:00 After only one hour, I am already bored and frozen, stiff being the appropriate adjective in each case.

14:12 Newspapers (the Province), books (Plato’s Republic) and radios (CKNW talkshows) are abandoned when one of our union brothers reveals his former identity as a Special Forces Vietnam Vet. His anecdotes about home-made explosives are especially informative.

14:36 Several of the union brothers and sisters pay a quick visit to a nearby paint store.

15:27 Morale leaps up suddenly when a Federal Express truck overturns and explodes in front of the depot. Despite our best efforts, the driver manages to escape from the flames.

16:30 I go for a lunch break of chicken souvlaki at the trendy coffeeshop next door, Automotive.

17:00 We are forced to abandon our defensive positions in the back alley due to the encroaching darkness and the proximity of the fast-moving cars there. Somewhat daunted by losing the best place to drink unobserved, we retreat to the depot’s frontage on Homer Street.

18:00 My first tour on picket duty is over, and I have survived to whine about it for another day….

2. Preston Manning

3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent

4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education

5. Flames vs. Oilers

6. Stamps vs. Eskies

7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of

8. Eventually, it will be your town’s turn to ban VLT’s

9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups

10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

2.Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges

3.The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder

4.The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar

5.Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown

6.A university with a nude beach

7.You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations

8.If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash

9.There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on

10.Cannabis

2.Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats

3.Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning

4.Your province is really easy to draw

5.You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard

6.It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor’s house

7.YOUR Roughriders survived

8.You can watch the dog run away from home for hours

9.People will assume you live on a farm

10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense