2. All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree…” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House…”

3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Battle or Peachtree Corners.

4. Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola. That s all we drink here, so don t ask for any other soft drink… unless it s made by Coca Cola.

5. Atlantan’s only know their way to work and their way home.

6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

7. It s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a “scenic drive” and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don t feel lost….they re just on a “scenic drive.”

8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday s rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.

9. Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody… especially those of us who live here.

10. “Sir” and “Ma am” are used by the person speaking to you if there s a remote possibility that you re at least 30 minutes older than they are.

11. “Sugar” is a more common form of address than “Miss”. So is “Honey”. “Honey” is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their head to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is “pont duh LEE-on”)

13. The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.

14. If you re standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you re expected to get on and go somewhere.

15. Atlanta is pronounced “LAN-uh”.

16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta s version of Old Faithful erupts.

17. Construction crews aren t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

18. Atlanta s traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta s traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

19. Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.

20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says “Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you’ll have to move to the coach area.”

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says “Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you’ll have to move to the coach area.”

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde’s ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area.

One of the flight attendants asks the captain, “What on Earth did you say to her?”

The captain explains, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Chicago.”

The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: “Just like Chicago in Spring”

So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said:

“Just like Chicago in Summer”

This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.

The man removed his shirt and tie and said

“Just like Chicago in August”

The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man’s room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically….

“The Cubs won the World Series…The Cubs won the World Series…”

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley’s comet passed Earth twice.

6. Harry Caray was born….and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

“Noise pollution can’t be that much of a problem. There’s nothing to cheer about.”–State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

“If I managed the Cubs, I’d be an alcoholic.”–Whitey Herzog

“There’s nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn’t help.”–Bill Buckner

“You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard.”–Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

“The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.”–Radio deejay

“The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets.”–Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

“Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning.”–Radio deejay

“One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.”–Joe Garagiola

“The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street–a lot of singles, but no action.”–Garagiola again

Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?

A: Two sips and then you choke.

“The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win.”–pianist George Shearing

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Sox fan.”

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

“Why I’m proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan.

“Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I’m a Cubs fan too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a Sox fan.”

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”

The first asked, “What did you do there?”

To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”

When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think of steak. You think of danger.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn’t figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies “The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed.”