Jokes

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A fool and his money are soon partying. Drugs may lead to [...]

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is [...]

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them? If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they [...]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help “groups”? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If a jogger runs at [...]

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Daylight savings time – why [...]

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”? Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Does killing time [...]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and… If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take [...]

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?” What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. [...]

It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the [...]

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and [...]