Chicago Jokes

“It’s hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness.”–Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher

“Noise pollution can’t be that much of a problem. There’s nothing to cheer about.”–State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

“If I managed the Cubs, I’d be an alcoholic.”–Whitey Herzog

“There’s nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn’t help.”–Bill Buckner

“You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard.”–Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

“The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.”–Radio deejay

“The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets.”–Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

“Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning.”–Radio deejay

“One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.”–Joe Garagiola

“The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street–a lot of singles, but no action.”–Garagiola again

Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?

A: Two sips and then you choke.

“The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win.”–pianist George Shearing