JOKES

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
‘As I’m sure you can understand,’ she started off with one of the first applicants, ‘in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.’ She leaned forward. ‘Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?’

‘Honest?’ replied the job prospect. ‘Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.’

‘Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?’

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, ‘He sued me for the money.’

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, ‘Follow me and I will give you your rooms.’
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.

‘Thank you, thank you my lord,’ said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.

‘Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?’ ‘Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.’

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can’t afford anything thing to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys says, “But I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there… the grass is a foot tall!”

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”